Tensor Ring: About Us

Sunday, October 28, 2018

About Us

Some time ago we were brainstorming new cons to make money and decided New Age bullshit was the way to go. By stringing together big scientific words and using fake spiritual gibberish to sell Tensor Rings we've been rolling in dough.

Turns out there really is no limit as to what people will believe. Cures blindness! Realigns Gatorade! Makes radishes taste better! Connects with an alternate universe! We just make shit up, charging more for bigger and bigger lies. For example:

"This special Tensor Ring has Astral Powers! With it you can travel back in time to Ancient Greece and frolic with Royalty! Just put it around your neck before you go to sleep and the quantum biometric algebra of space time will transport your mind into a parallel dimension! Only $999 plus shipping if you order today."

All of us here are 7th level Reiki Masters, black belt judo experts, slumlords, and love generating robocalls targeting the elderly.

Do you want to sell a New Age product and/or service? Tired of coming up with meaningless copy for your starry-eyed customers? Want to join the ranks of bestselling self-help authors? Stay tuned for our Tensor Ring Bullshit Text Generator so you can spew all over social media!

The Tensor Ring Team

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy, Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.

Random New Age Bullshit

The universe is bursting with morphogenetic fields. The goal of expanding wave functions is to plant the seeds of will rather than illusion. You and I are travellers of the quantum soup. If you have never experienced this quantum leap at the quantum level, it can be difficult to grow. Although you may not realize it, you are unlimited. The galaxy is calling to you via psionic wave oscillations. Can you hear it? How should you navigate this heroic dreamtime?

You may be ruled by suffering without realizing it. Do not let it sabotage the deeper meaning of your quest. Desire is the antithesis of freedom. We can no longer afford to live with delusion. Entity, look within and heal yourself. Have you found your journey? It can be difficult to know where to begin. Nothing is impossible. We must learn how to lead sentient lives in the face of delusion. We must ground ourselves and unify others. Eons from now, we messengers will believe like never before as we are reborn by the multiverse.

More Random New Age Bullshit

Hope is a constant. You and I are dreamers of the nexus. Consciousness consists of ultrasonic energy of quantum energy. “Quantum” means an unfolding of the heroic.

Starfire is the knowledge of non-locality, and of us.
Humankind has nothing to lose. We are at a crossroads of peace and illusion. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the quantum soup via vibrations. You must take a stand against selfishness. Where there is greed, interconnectedness cannot thrive. Dogma is the antithesis of wellbeing.

Eons from now, we dreamers will exist like never before as we are awakened by the universe. This vision quest never ends. We are being called to explore the planet itself as an interface between synchronicity and transcendence. Only a child of the dreamtime may discover this explosion of empathy.

We are in the midst of an ever-present refining of choice that will let us access the galaxy itself. Reality has always been aglow with dreamers whose essences are baptized in balance. Our conversations with other adventurers have led to a maturing of hyper-amazing consciousness.