Welcome to Tensor Ring: The Power of Fraud

What are Tensor Rings?

Pieces of copper claimed to be magic by New Age religious fanatics.  They are sold by 'plastic shamans', people passing themselves off as gurus or spiritual leaders without any genuine connection to the cultures they claim to represent (think Egyptian).  This phony technique is used for ego, power, and money.

People who are receptive to New Age psycho-babble love buying fake magic trinkets.

The New Age Bullshit Generator created the following text.  Can you tell the difference?

"Today, science tells us that the essence of nature is transformation.  Manna is a constant. Ecstasy requires exploration.  We vibrate, we heal, we are reborn.  We are being called to explore the quantum destiny as an interface between intention and truth. Soon there will be an unveiling of inspiration the likes of which the power cycle has never seen. It is a sign of things to come.  The world is calling to you via morphic resonance. Can you hear it? How should you navigate this enlightened infinite? Although you may not realize it, you are eternal.  The goal of atomic ionization is to plant the seeds of chi rather than yearning. You and I are travellers of the galaxy. This life is nothing short of a flowering metamorphosis of angelic gratitude.  Traveller, look within and heal yourself.  We can no longer afford to live with selfishness. Yes, it is possible to eliminate the things that can destroy us, but not without non-locality on our side. Stagnation is the antithesis of rejuvenation."

Tensor Ring Salesman

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy,  Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.

About Tensor Rings

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy,  Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.

Together they brought the great qualities of ancient magic back into the hands of people without a lot of brains and too much money on their hands.

It all starts with old copper wire or extension cords, shortened to some arbitrary length, called a Rubic. Bringing the ends of the cord back together makes a magic Tensor Ring!

Tensor Rings create an open space, kind of like the space between your ears, that produce an infinite source of energy known as a Tensor Field!. Just because this field can't be detected or measured should not concern you. It must be true since it's on the internet! This infinite source of energy is neither plausible or real and has no beneficial effect whatsoever!

It is a super-duper conflector that manglizes strongetic fields. It brings tranquility to the dim witted and feeble minded. Tensor Rings stabilize the bio-magnetic psychic energy field of sunflowers. The Tensor Field produces a measurable effect on your wallet! (Insert more new age bullshit here).

Tensor Technology is known for its use in stealing loose change, stimulating skin growths, keeping pet rodents, contact with the undead, and kabillions of other possible applications. Wow!

Tensor Technology is based on junk science and goes far beyond the current reality of science fiction. Tensor Rings really enrich those that sell them!

Tensor Rings are based on made-up geometry from ancient immortal egyptians. Oh wait they're all dead.

The Rubic sizes used in the manufacture of Tensor Rings come from Home Depot and are related to the structure of the universe, the solar system, the earth and your shoe size.

When extension cords are tied together, the metal structure is bent, creating a ten-way energy flow extending out to a parallel universe in New Jersey. If the wire is folded into a figure eight, an energy flow is produced that amplifies the voices in your head. Tensor Rings offer meaing to your life since now you can pretend it's magic!

The term Rubic comes from a plastic toy used by the ancient Egyptians as a measure of wealth. It's length is measured from the extended middle finger to the elbow. In order to honor ancient Egyptian wealth and con the public, term Rubic is used with Tensor Rings.

Tensor Ring Testimonials

"Tensor Rings blocked alien death rays!"

Tim Foilhat

"Tensor Rings helped me lose weight!"

Mohr Obesity

"Tensor Rings helped me stop drinking!"

Stoner McFlea

"Tensor Rings made me smarter!"

Gary AarTard

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy,  Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.

Tensor Ring Applications

Increase the shelf life of fruits and vegetables!

Extends the life of razor blades!

Treat aches and pains!

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy,  Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.

About Us

Some time ago we were brainstorming new cons to make money and decided New Age bullshit was the way to go.  By stringing together big scientific words and using fake spiritual gibberish to sell Tensor Rings we've been rolling in dough.

Turns out there really is no limit as  to what people will believe.  Cures blindness! Realigns Gatorade! Makes radishes taste better!  Connects with an alternate universe! We just make shit up, charging more for bigger and bigger lies.  For example:

"This special Tensor Ring has Astral Powers!  With it you can travel back in time to Ancient Greece and frolic with Royalty! Just put it around your neck before you go to sleep and the quantum biometric algebra of space time will transport your mind into a parallel dimension!  Only $999 plus shipping if you order today."

All of us here are 7th level Reiki Masters, black belt judo experts, slumlords,  and love generating robocalls targeting the elderly.

Do you want to sell a New Age product and/or service? Tired of coming up with meaningless copy for your starry-eyed customers? Want to join the ranks of bestselling self-help authors? Stay tuned for our Tensor Ring Bullshit Text Generator so you can spew all over social media! 

The Tensor Ring Team

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy,  Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.

Contact Us

Most of the Tensor Ring inventors are dead.  We are still waiting for their Tensor Ring resurrection.  Our psychic says it's going to happen real soon!  In the meantime, read up on fraud.

FDA: How to Spot Health Fraud

FTC: File a Complaint

Money: How to Spot an Online Scam

Meet our WebMaster Gonzo McGrubsky

Tensor Rings are the joint invention of Slim Witman, Luc SkyWalker, Marlin Peters, Bertha Etsy,  Bill Reed, Herman Munster, and Melanie Evans.